Recently it has come to my attention that I am rather independent.
I like to figure things out and do it on my own instead of asking for help.
I like having a plan, (not that I will always stick with it- I can change it how I like, when I like- but I have a basic idea and control over it.)
In life we can't always have a plan.
I didn't want to believe that.
From the age of 7-16 I was seemingly always been able to make and maintain some semblance of a plan for my life. Granted, that was when one of the biggest decision I had to make was what I wanted to eat for lunch or make for supper.
Getting/having a job and a phone, traveling across the country to stay with strangers for a week, living in another country, buying a car, paying for gas, coffee, clothes, school; making a budget, planning for school and life.
It is all really crazy and different.
All my life my mom has been preparing me to be a responsible adult and member of society.
However- there is something else that she was equipping me for that can only be learned by experience.
From seven until I graduated I knew exactly what I was going to do with my life. That idea has changed slightly and merged into other dreams but it has always had the same basic outline.
Do missions, get married, have a family
That plan also included getting married by the time I was 18... *crickets*
I graduated and promptly had no idea what I am going to do with my life,
I went to Ukraine, I hoped I would know more after that.
Still don't know.
I've prayed hoping to hear a different answer than the one I keep getting. Nothing except for this:
I hate waiting. Trusting is hard. Much harder than having a plan.
I am learning to trust and wait and know the God I claim to love and serve. I don't really have any idea what the next phase in my life is... Yes, I am planning to go to school for the spring semester to be an EMT but I have no idea what to do after that! I don't want a different job than the one I have.
It can be overwhelming.
I heard a talk the other day on my dad's radio station (WPEO) about the song 'My Hope is Built on Nothing Less'
Even when I don't know what comes next my Savior does, He has seen my future, He knows the plans He has for me and I need to 'live to the hilt every situation that I am in that I believe to be the will of God' so that on that day when the trumpet sounds I may be found in Him. Clothed in His righteousness following His path that He prepared for me to walk in.
The reason for my existence is not be happy, eradicate poverty, hunger or war, change the world or make a name for myself in any other way.
The reason for my existence is to glorify God and make His name known, right where He has me.
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God."
1 Corinthians 10:31
"Everyone who is called by My name, whom I created for My glory, whom I formed and made." Isaiah 43:7
"One who is faithful in a very little is also faithful in much, and one who is dishonest in a very little is also dishonest in much."
I am not promised tomorrow. I have a question written on my mirror because I constantly need to be reminded.
"Is this the day I die? -Live as if it is." (Question taken from Randy Alcorn's book, 'Safely Home')
"Only one life,
Twill soon be past,
Only what's done
For Christ will last." (and English Poem from John Piper's book 'Don't Waste Your Life' )
So I'm learning. I pray that I am growing. I wish to be able to say with Paul,
"I have learned in every situation to be content."
Not that I like the situation I am in, (and my "trial" is nothing compared to what Paul and countless Christians have and are experiencing) but, that I trust:
The One who holds my tomorrow in the palms of His nail scarred hands.
The One walks beside me all the way, knowing the plan He has for my good and His glory.
That what is unknown to me is known by the Author of creation.