My mom got married in January 2016 to an amazing man who I am honored to call my dad. His two youngest daughters live with us. One I begrudgingly admit, is three months older than me. The other is nine.
After returning from Ukraine I felt like I was back at the place that I had started in January but thankfully God faithfully taught me and opened my eyes so that I could see my sin in it. I also was extremely emotional... I had no idea what I was going to do with my life. I had assumed that God would reveal to me while I was in Ukraine, what I was to do with the rest of my life. That didn't happen.
I arrived home. Tired. With no vehicle. No source of income. No plans for life. No paperwork filed to go to school. No idea what I would do with myself in school if I did go.
A couple days after getting back I told my mom that I was going to babysit for someone the next day. She looked at me with surprise.
"Do you want to ask me about that first?" She said. "How about asking about using my van?"
I blushed as I realized two things;
One: how, in a sense, I had been rather independent in Ukraine. (I suppose that living in another country without your parents you kind of have to be.)
Two: I had briefly forgotten that in America you can just hop onto a marshutka and be on your happy way. In America I would have to ask about using my parents' vehicles!
I was in tears almost every day and borderline "depressed"* (*or darkly emotional... Take your pick.)
What did I do? (The natural response... of course....)
I decided that my family should move into a completely different state.
We should live in a log cabin on a farm.
Have no electricity and live off the land.
I even started looking at property in other states that would be affordable.
God was probably shaking His head as He watched my emotional rampage.
In a little, farming town of no significance to any but those that live there He helped me to find a vehicle. To be honest, my "dream car"... It is a blue/green mini van. Ever since I was little I had dreamed of getting a mini van. I also got two regular babysitting/nanny type job offers.
I don't remember when all the timing of this fell into place, it felt like it went on for months but it was probably between 2-4 weeks.
God showed me that He has me where I am for His purpose. For His glory was I formed and made.
I am not glorifying Him if I am caught up in my own emotions
I am not going to be joyful in following my Savior
I am not going to be trusting the One who knit me together in my mother's womb,
Joy, (like love) isn't always a feeling; it's a choice.
I could choose to be miserable and bask in the hazy light of my own desires; or, I could choose to trust my Redeemer who loved me and gave Himself for me.
The first choice, I realized, is making my own feelings an idol over the God of heaven and earth. He has said "You shall have no other gods before me." and, "I am a jealous God." and, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength."
That was a helpful thing to realize... and repent of.... and by God's grace to attempt at implementation.
God also provided a way for me to go to the community college. I'm taking English 110 and American History up to 1877. I love it! Especially my history class.
I also got to meet some other Christians! I met three while I was having my bible time in the cafeteria... (Which was kind of humorous how it all happened.) and more in a CRU bible study- I only got to stay for the introduction time and then I headed off to pick up the other kids from my grandma's house, which turned out to be unnecessary so I went to work.
I love my job! I babysit/nanny for a family from my church. I go to their house, do laundry, sweep floors, tidy rooms, do dishes, play with kids, etc. It is the best. They are a very sweet family and they love the Lord.
I still have no idea what I am going to do with my life but I know that God does...
That still can really bother me at times. This past week or so, I have been reading books about missionaries again. Cameron Townsend, Count Zinzendorf, George Muller, Brother Andrew.
Is my interest purely a prideful desire to be doing something "grand" and looking good? Or is it genuinely something that God is calling me to/preparing me for? That has been my question.
I love languages, so I am still trying to work on my Russian and Spanish. I wonder if I will ever be able to do anything with them.
Anyway. That is my life right now.
Off to the Blend (the most amazing coffee shop in the world!) with Emily. She has been begging me to work on a story with her for months and I kept putting her off. Now we shall finally do it!